What is a noob?

The Noob.

Known in the wild as "Noobimus Suckimus" and far more common than one would think.

Noobs come in all different forms. I will break it down to you what I think the types of noob categories there are. When found in their "natural habitat" the noob can be hard to spot because normally they wind up as a pink mist or a smear on the wall upon spawning. Or they're lost in some ass end of the map that no one bothers to go to because it's new to them.

This is the type of noob who knows they are bad but tries to sound better by complaining and annoying the hell out of you. They are the type who try to act more pro than they really are. They are obnoxious in servers and often get muted or booted. Occasionally they are playing under a different alias so their alter egos can talk a lot of shit. "Are you going to bark all day little doggie, or bite?"

[Key Notes]

  • Over apologizes
  • Follows you around stealing kills
  • Rep online is not 5 stars

Phrases you may hear when one is around:

- "Dude, there's no excuses other than you suck at this game. Now stfu."
- "How about less talking more shooting? You're so bad at this game!"
- "Why does this game suck so much?" (99% of the time, it's you buddy.)

Sometimes, this is a noob who you may know as a friend which makes things extra weird. It's like bringing your retarded little brother to prom. (I wouldn't know, because I had to bring guys who were friends because I once dated someone who was terrified to be in public.) You will always play a game with this noob but try in anyway possible to "accidentally" join the opposite team. This is the noob you get stuck with in a tough battle when they do nothing significant to help your team win. They often camp, blow your cover, and go afk.

[Key Notes]

  • Quits servers early
  • Blows your cover
  • Picks up ammo or loot they don't need
  • Usually is the cause of a failed match

Phrases you may hear when one is around:

- "Dammit, we lost.. He doesn't know how to defuse the bomb."
- "You should be limited to deathmatch mode only. "
- "Can we vote kick this noob?"
- "Is my team just a bunch of horrible AI or 2 year olds who are playing with their feet?"

This noob always makes you cringe when you watch them play. They are often wondering around in parts of the map where no one is ever at. They are sweet in game but can't get a kill for the life of them. This is a noob that you know is a person behind that screen name, might be a sibling, your kid, or cousin. They will usually listen to any command you give them, even if it's sending them out in the open to get killed when used as bait. I used to use my younger sister as said bait and occasionally I still mistakenly call her that during family dinners.

[Key Notes]

  • Crosshair is always pointing towards the ground
  • Never adjusted their configuration
  • They purchase weak weapons gamers laugh at
  • Plays as a really poorly written AI
  • Most likely plays inverted. ::shudder::

Phrases you may hear when one is around:

- "Awww that noob can't figure out that that door doesn't open."
- "You go first, I'll cover you (haha what a sucker!)"
- "Hey pal, if you press Alt+F4 it'll give you unlimited ammo."

This is a noob where you have nothing but having joy around when chilling in public servers and carry your team with the highest score. They are so bad at the game that you like to show off your kill/dealth ratio to your friends in the end. This guy makes you feel like a godly figure.

[Key Notes]

  • Ego booster
  • Noob you wouldn't mind meeting at a LAN party
  • Possibly could be worthy of using up one of your friend slots
  • Doesn't mind buying you weapons ingame.

Phrases you may hear when one is around:

- "Do y'all have blind folds on or something? Or am I just that good at this game?"
- "Looks like my bullets will be partying everywhere but your face."
- "Oh, is the match over? I couldn't tell."


Now remember, we were all once a noob... we were born as one! The next one you come across, but not lend a controller and offer some advice. Who knows, they may look back and thank you for making them pro. Let's just hope noobs don't completely go extinct one day because we need them in your life if you want to admit it or not. Seriously, can you imagine the chaos the world would be in if everyone was uber pro?

If you have any great noob stories to share, feel free to comment below. Or don't.

Noob. ;)